Quaden, who was born with a form of dwarfism called achondroplasia, expresses suicidal thoughts, including asking for a knife, during the video. The post, which has since been taken down, quickly went viral. Celebrities and athletes, including the actors Hugh Jackman, James Woods, and Jeffrey Dean Morgan, and the pro basketball player Enes Kanter, sent video tweets of support to raise awareness about bullying. Quaden got to walk out with the National Rugby League’s Indigenous All Stars team ahead of a February 22 exhibition match against the New Zealand Maoris. A GoFundMe campaign set up by the comedian Brad Williams, who was also born with achondroplasia, has raised over $470,000 so far to send Quaden and his mother to Disneyland in Anaheim, California. According to statistics compiled by StopBullying.gov, about 20 percent of U.S. students ages 12 to 18 have experienced bullying and 30 percent of young people admit to bullying others. More than 70 percent of students and staff say they have seen bullying in their schools. Not surprisingly, many kids and teens fear going to school because of the potential for bullying.
What Is Bullying?
The term “bullying” is often watered down in everyday use. Kids and adults alike are quick to label other kids “bullies” when they demonstrate unkind behavior, but it’s important to understand what bullying really is. Bullying is unwanted aggressive behavior that involves a real or perceived power imbalance. It can include physical aggression, and it can also take the form of social or relational aggression, sexual harassment or sexual aggression, and cyberbullying. Bullying behaviors are repeated or have the potential to be repeated over time. RELATED: Living in the Shadow of Suicide While physical bullying is easier to spot given bruises, torn clothing, or other physical markers, relational aggression tends to fly under the radar of adults and doesn’t leave outer scars. The emotional damage, however, is significant and can negatively affect students for years. Examples of relational aggression include:
Public humiliation by verbal taunting or teasingNotes intended to harass or humiliateUse of social media or text message to humiliate, threaten, or intimidateProperty destructionGossip and rumorsSexual harassment
Enduring chronic bullying can result in symptoms of anxiety and depression, which can trigger thoughts of suicide, refusal to go to school, difficulty building trusting social relationships, and poor physical and mental health.
How Do We Stop a Bully?
There are anti-bullying laws and policies that vary from state to state. Most schools are required to implement procedures to respond to and investigate bullying instances as they occur, but investigations rarely solve the problem. “Bullying is viewed as one of the most serious public health problems in our school systems,” explains Michele Borba, EdD, author of Unselfie. “Educators can make a difference and bullying can be reduced, but there is a caveat: Only certain approaches work to reduce aggression.” Bully prevention posters, slogans, and curriculum may give the appearance of addressing the problem. But “all those eye-catching ‘Stop Bullying’ T-shirts, buttons, and poster contests are not effective,” says Dr. Borba. “I’ve long been convinced that the most effective and underused strategy in bullying prevention is mobilizing the compassion of the student majority and teaching them upstander skills.” That includes working with the bullies to help them unpack their behaviors. While there is no single cause for bullying behavior, kids who bully are likely struggling with their own emotional issues and need help. “Too often, we tend to dismiss and demonize the bully which, to my thinking, is dismissive, reductive, and maintains the cycle of bullying,” explains the psychologist John Duffy, author of Parenting the New Teen in the Age of Anxiety. “Many kids I work with recognize that bullying is a way to gain some semblance of control in their lives. Others have reflected that bullying behavior is a negative method of, as one child put it, ‘paying it backwards,’ hurting others in response to being hurt themselves.” Duffy recommends following through on the procedures put in place by the school, including any consequences outlined by school administration, but also approaching the bullies from a perspective of empathy and curiosity. Engaging the aggressor in open dialogue about what drives the behavior and how the behavior impacts others is a first step toward building empathy and helping the aggressor feel heard and understood.
How Do We Support the Victim?
“The effects of peer cruelty are far-reaching and can cause immense stress, anxiety, health problems, depression, and humiliation that may result in serious mental health issues,” warns Borba. It is crucial to help students who are bullied to create a safety plan for school and get the help they need to heal from emotional trauma. This can be done in several ways:
Identify anchors. Every student needs at least one anchor on campus. This is a trusted adult (a teacher, counselor, coach, or support staff) whom they can turn to when they need help.Create an action plan. What steps should the child take if peer cruelty occurs again? Kids need to know the step-by-step plan to getting the help they need to feel safe on campus.Expand friendship circles. Kids tend to stick to the friends they’ve known for many years because these friendships are already established. Parents can encourage kids to step outside these boundaries and join new groups. Time spent together outside school is a good way to build stronger connections inside school.Psychotherapy Victims of bullying need help working through their complicated emotions and building coping skills. Victims can internalize negative core beliefs (such as “I am unlikable and that’s why they taunt me”). Cognitive behavioral therapy can help kids learn to process and reframe their thoughts and core beliefs.Group therapy can help kids connect with other students with similar experiences.
One easy-to-implement activity to help students look out for one another is what I refer to as “notes of hope.” Give students Post-it notes to carry in their backpacks. When they notice that another student appears sad, lonely, worried, or in need of uplifting, they can write a quick note and stick it to that student’s desk or locker. Sometimes small gestures make a big difference when it comes to promoting empathy and compassion. As for parents, the single best thing they can do is listen without judgment. All too often, parents are quick to jump into action without really hearing what their kids have to say. “Bullied kids need their parents to listen to the worst of their emotional distress and the fear they experience,” says Duffy. “Sometimes this is all they need.”
The Importance of Improving School Culture
Adopting a culture of kindness within a school sets the tone for empathy and compassion. When students are encouraged to help improve school culture by organizing events, projects, and initiatives that promote kindness, change occurs. “Because kids are vulnerable and insecure, we can improve school culture by helping them accept their own and others’ idiosyncrasies,” says Phyllis Fagell, a school counselor in Washington, DC, and the author of Middle School Matters. “Often, insensitivity has more to do with a lack of social skills and life experience than a lack of empathy.”
Seek Professional Help
The cycle of bullying can be overwhelming for both the child and the parents. As evidenced by the raw emotions expressed by Quaden’s mother in the now deleted video, bullying has a ripple effect. While it might seem like a good idea to share a video or personal post on social media, it’s best to seek support from friends or a professional. Support can be found by sharing such a video, but it comes at a cost. Once the video is out there, it’s impossible to truly erase it. This has the potential to retraumatize a child, and it can draw unwanted and unhelpful attention. When parents seek out mental health professionals, the child is able to work through the trauma in a private setting.
