For me, as my MS has moved into a more progressive phase, I don’t have many of those major attack moments any longer. My systematic shocks come more from finding that I can no longer do something today that I was able to a few weeks or months ago — from comparing my today with my yesterdays. From the feeling that the rest of the world is outpacing me and my disease.
A New Healthcare Provider Removes My Blinders
In general, I try not to dwell on the gradients of loss. But when I went to a new physiotherapist to be fitted for long-overdue orthotic insole replacements, I did get pulled up short by a medical professional who’d never seen me before. She was very good at her work and professional in every way. I look forward to working with her in the future. She met me at my level of knowledge and language. She didn’t talk down to me or over my head. She’s the kind of player I am happy to add to my lifetime MS healthcare team. When she explained her observations of my muscle tone, levels of weakness, and comorbid effects of my MS and laid out our plan, however, I took it harder than I’d expected.
Having the Truth Laid Bare Is a Gut Punch
Not unlike when we get a letter from a disability insurance company or from Social Security confirming that we actually are disabled, having her play show-and-tell with what MS has done to my lower extremities socked me right in the gut. She showed me how some muscles had atrophied, while others were overdeveloped because of compensation. I was made aware of inabilities for which my adjustments had become normal to the point of my not noticing them. We talked of strategies to help maintain my loss of functions where they’re at now rather than ways to regain … because that’s just not possible for some of my deficits any longer.
It’s Hard to Process News We Don’t Want to Hear
It was a difficult hour-and-a-half-long journey home. I’d thought I was doing pretty well, all things considered. I suppose that the truth is that I am doing pretty well. I’m just not as good as I thought I was. I’m good at masking. I’m good at compensating. Apparently, I’m also pretty good at ignoring (or at least overlooking) some of my body’s shortcomings. In one way, I suppose, that’s much better than always dwelling on what MS has taken from me this time. It was still a bit of an unpleasant jolt to have demonstrated in such visceral fashion that MS’s grip on my body (and my life) has started to leave indelible marks. Wishing you and your family the best of health. Cheers, Trevis
