For some it was extremely challenging. Some 27 percent of respondents to a nationwide survey conducted by Harvard and the University of North Carolina reported feeling very or extremely lonely, the researchers observed in their National Pandemic Emotional Impact Report in June 2020. Another survey, of 2,000 people who’d received care at the Mayo Clinic, found many people, and especially women, increased their feelings of loneliness during the pandemic, according to Social Science & Medicine in April 2021. But many of us also found new ways to combat loneliness, thanks to Zoom happy hours, phone calls, and maybe making new connections with the people we were able to interact with. RELATED: Protecting Our Mental Health While We Ride Out the COVID-19 Pandemic Whatever your situation is for living through a global pandemic, psychologists say there are some important lessons about loneliness that we can all take away from this unusual year and a half that can help us better cope with loneliness in non-pandemic times, too. “With families fragmented and people regularly moving around or in transition, there’s a lot of loneliness in our culture,” says Judith Gulko, PhD, a psychologist in private practice in Coral Springs, Florida. The American Psychological Association defines loneliness as the cognitive discomfort or uneasiness of being or perceiving oneself to be alone — or there being a discrepancy between an individual’s desired and actual social relationships. And therefore feeling lonely can indeed have significant consequences on our emotional health. “Left unnoticed, these emotions lead people down a path of self-destructive behaviors to mask or numb out from feeling lonely,” says Shari Botwin, a therapist in Cherry Hill, New Jersey and author of the book Thriving After Trauma. The most extreme include alcoholism, drugs, and eating disorders, she notes. Lockdown loneliness during the COVID-19 pandemic, for example, was frequently associated with depression and anxiety, a study published in November in Frontiers in Psychiatry found. But loneliness doesn’t have to debilitate us. The past year showed us that we’re stronger than we thought, and even when thrown into situations that might make us ripe to feel lonely, we can find new ways to foster connections and have our emotional needs met. Here are the lessons psychologists say they hope we all take from the experience of living through an isolating global pandemic when it comes to combating loneliness in other situations going forward. RELATED: Top Self-Care Tips for Taking Care of You During the Coronavirus Pandemic
1. Loneliness Is a State of Mind
Some of us spent this COVID-19 year by ourselves, but others had many family members in their home. People in either case can feel lonely, because it’s not so much a situation as a state of mind, says Dr. Nobel, who is also president of the Foundation for Art & Healing, a Brookline, Massachusetts–based nonprofit that promotes art as a vehicle for health and happiness “You can be alone and not feel lonely, and you can feel lonely while not being alone,” Nobel says. You can generally differentiate between the two by asking yourself if you are bothered, he says. Pro Tip for Feeling Less Lonely When you do feel lonely, it helps to have someone to whom you can express that emotion, Botwin says. A 15-minute phone call to a close friend to share your feelings can combat loneliness more than spending the day with someone you feel emotionally distant from, she says. RELATED: What Toll Does Loneliness Take on Our Health?
2. Loneliness Can Breed Negative Self-Talk, but Self-Compassion Can Help
Being by yourself can foster self-judgment, Botwin says. Loneliness is often a sign that something is missing from your life; and that something may be self-compassion or self-love. “The danger of too much alone time is that some people spend it degrading and demeaning who they are as a person,” she says. And that’s why learning to be comfortably alone is a skill that takes work, as many discovered this past year. Rather than allow that negative self-talk to take over, Botwin suggests showing yourself some kindness. Pro Tip for Feeling Less Lonely One technique Botwin adores is to talk to yourself in the mirror. Stand before your reflection and remind yourself of all the things you’ve done well and all the reasons you have to be grateful, she says. Through this self-talk and self-reflection it’s easier to befriend yourself and release the negative, critical mindset that may otherwise plague you. RELATED: What Is Self-Care, and Why Is It So Important for Your Health?
3. Great Connections Can Happen Even When We’re Physically Apart
Digital technology has long been a staple of our lives, but this past year it helped us in new ways. From business activities to socializing to medical and mental healthcare appointments, online tools have allowed us to stay connected with others while social distancing. “People created Zoom parties, large family gatherings, online book clubs, and even attended weddings and other special events online,” Gulko says. People who are introverts may especially benefit from online events, she notes, because they can spend an hour with others and then log off and reset. In a May 2020 review published in the Journal of Medical Internet Research researchers concluded that the application of digital technology “has become critical during the COVID-19 pandemic.” Pro Tip for Feeling Less Lonely Now that everyone’s become more adept it will be easier to continue using technology to stay connected with friends and family who live far away, Botwin says. It won’t replace in-person interactions, but it may be a useful tool for staying connected to those it’s more difficult to gather with in person. RELATED: Why Friendships Are So Important for Health and Well-Being
4. The Arts Are Especially Good for Combating Loneliness
Nobel’s foundation has launched an initiative called the UnLonely Project, which provides services to use art as a way of connecting, including working with community groups to encourage members to make and share art and hosting an annual UnLonely Film Festival. “People are more resilient and have higher quality of life after participating in communal art-making and art-sharing activities,” he says. Music therapy, for instance, can help with feelings of depression and anxiety. Research shows that other forms of art therapy can help with mood, combating distress, self-esteem, and coping, according to a 2015 review in the journal Health Technology Assessment. RELATED: 5 Ways to Use Art to Change Your Mindset One of Botwin’s clients who has lived alone for years realized during the pandemic how much she loves to paint. “Through this craft she has learned how to feel purpose and satisfaction to combat loneliness,” she says. Pro Tip for Feeling Less Lonely You don’t need training or even talent to paint, draw, color, dance, or sculpt to experience the joy that comes while making art. Pick an activity that sounds intriguing and try it out.
5. Consistency Breeds Connection
Regularly scheduled fun may sound a little square, but therapists agree that knowing when and how you’ll be able to catch up with someone you’re close with can help tamp down loneliness. First of all, as many of us have discovered, putting something on the schedule makes it more likely to happen. It also gives you something to look forward to. If you feel lonely today but know something is planned for tomorrow, that can blunt the negative feeling, Gulko says. Pro Tip for Feeling Less Lonely Pick a time and schedule for regular calls, walks, or meetups with friends or family. Pick the frequency that works for you. Or consider volunteering for a cause you believe in, whether by going out or doing things from home, like planning events, making calls, or writing letters. “Volunteering is great for reducing isolation and creating meaning, both of which help people feel more satisfied with their lives,” Gulko says. RELATED: How to Reconnect With Friends You’ve Grown Apart From During the COVID-19 Pandemic
